A BLOG ABOUT DYING
This was the most difficult blog I’ve ever written. I’ve spent several days in thought about how to write it and what I needed to say.
What would you do when confronted with your own mortality?
At the beginning of the new year, I sat down and began to write my goals as a writer. One of these goals was I planned to remind myself every day that I am a GREAT fiction writer.
I wrote, I’ll convince myself that I have millions of readers all over the world who follow my work. I also wrote; instead of saying that my plans are to be a best selling author, I will reinforce that I am a best selling author. After all, positive thinking is a good thing.
I continued to read the full blog from January 2017. My fortune even said that 2017 will be an amazing year. And that I have a wise head on my shoulders. It will be full of pleasant surprises and excellent memories. It will propel me towards the success that I’ve dreamt of. And it will help me fulfill my ambitions in ways I did not think possible.
It went on to say that 2017 will be a great year for me. And it will be life changing. I had great expectations for the new year.
I didn’t know how life changing 2017 would be until one day in early May. I had stomach pains. Pain that took my breath away. I remembered something my son said when he was young. “Mommy, my skin feels too small.” This described the intense pain to the letter.
Some of you have been following my blogs for a long time and some of you are newcomers. So, as I go forth to write this blog, I thought this would be the perfect place to add a prayer.
My spiritual life is my guiding life. I have a lot on my plate, but I plan to complete my goals. Growth is good and I plan to succeed as God walks with me through the year ahead.
Dear Jesus, the road is pretty rough for us right now, and Satan keeps finding his way into our heads to confuse us. But, I banish him from my thoughts and I won’t allow him to play his dirty little tricks on us.
I know it is Satan’s way to sway us to turn our sights away from Jesus. A long time ago when the going was tough, and only a dim light was at the end of the tunnel, JESUS saw us through.
I pray that He will again show us a clear path to follow. It is true when they say, “That you can never go back.” People change, places change and circumstances change. But one thing that never changes, is knowing that God the Father, has your back.
No matter what, we are not going to give into the devil’s trickery. We are strong and we trust that God will embrace us in His loving arms and carry our heavy burden, on His cross. God is the truth and the light… Amen.
During the past two months I had not been feeling well. The ambulance came twice to transport me to the hospital. And both times I was admitted to the Intensive Care Unit.
I underwent a battery of tests, including two CAT Scans and a PET Scan. I spent a total of thirty-three days in bed. My feet didn’t touch the floor in over a month. A few days ago, the phone call we had been waiting for happened.
“Hello,” I said.
A man’s voice spoke in a foreign dialect.
“Hello, this is DR. A, may I please speak to Ms. W?”
I politely said, “Speaking.”
The doctor continued with some pleasantries and then got to the point.
“I have your test results. Would you please put your husband on the phone too, so I might talk with you both?”
I felt a lump in my throat because I knew what he was going to tell us. It was a blow, but not the slap in the face I thought it might be.
“I’m sorry, but the tests confirm that you have stage ‘four’ pancreatic cancer. The tumor is inoperable. And the cancer has spread to the liver. A few lesions are visible.”
I remember looking at my husband. His face was pale and drawn. I feared more for his well being than my own. I selfishly thought, how would he live without me?
The doctor reassured us that the best approach was to aggressively fight the cancer in the liver. The tumor was too close to some vital blood vessels and arteries, to remove. But, the positive thing was that the drug cocktail might shrink it.
I’ve always been a half full glass girl and lived by a kick-ass attitude. I’d been down this road three previous times. I fought with all my strength and won the battle. I turned my trust over to the Lord and asked for a favor.
“God the Father, Lord God, You know where my life is going. And You know how much time I have left. You also know what is in my heart. You know whether I will have the chance to live out my dreams and goals for this year. But I ask that You gift me the chance to do so.”
And then, the lyrics to the Lee Greenwood song came to mind.
“I was in my early forties with a lot of life before me.
When a moment came that stopped me on a dime.
I spent most of the next day, thinking about the x-rays.
Talking ’bout the options and talking ’bout sweet times.
I thought about it when it sank in.
That this might really be the real end.
How does something like this hit ‘cha when you get that kind of news?
Man, what do ya do?”
Without trials, faith does not mature or strengthen. God understands our weaknesses and fears, but He also commands us to use trials as opportunities to grow our faith. In Scripture, we see many examples of people who experience adversity and lean on God.
Each one of us will experience fearful situations that God is able to walk through with us (John 16:33; Romans 8:31–39). We can learn to allow God’s Word to saturate our thoughts and use trials as stepping-stones to build greater faith that God is good and will take care of us.
I want to thank you for reading my blog. I want to thank you for moving the blog number counter forward. Maybe I will see it reach 10,000 visits with this blog. Today, the number was 9,322 viewers. It’s possible. It’s doable.
It’s said that before you die, your entire life flashes before your eyes. Lately, segments of my life have come forth.
I’m amazed with how good my life has been. I’m awestruck with my success and accomplishments.
I’ve been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. I’m grateful for God’s special gifts and blessing. I’m happy with me.
Fear is our human reaction to the trials that we will face in this life, but God promises us that we can experience peace in every situation. His peace “surpasses all understanding” and will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus ” Phillipians 4:7.
Thank you for following my writing career. I’m humbled by your support. I won’t be continuing with anymore bogs. And I won’t be adding any more stories to the Reading Room.
But, I assure you that the K. Lorraine legacy will continue. I’ve been fortunate enough to have written many books. I plan to focus the time I have left and my energy, on publishing two or three more books that are near completion.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. God Bless you.
I’m signing off now,
Hugs, K. Lorraine
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